Bitch, please

yeah 10:30 the night before i go out of town is a great time to let me know you won’t be able to take care of my cat… it’s not like we didn’t talk about this 3 times… and each time you didn’t say you could do it and not to worry… FUCK YOU

I know that you don’t like getting the “regret” responses from people when you have a show… but I don’t like getting invited on 5 different forms of social media… I’m not coming… stop inviting me

I get it. This was a competition and I lost. Do you have to constantly rub it in my face?

I know I should be nice and be happy that you’re newly engaged… But all I can think is how happy I am that you got fat… At least I’m happy?

I think the woman realizes that her child is screaming on the train guys- every single person staring from the other side of the train isn’t going to make it stop- put your headphones back on and ignore it like an unconcerned citizen.

I kicked you… and I said sorry… but I kicked you because you didn’t seem to get that letting your wet jacket rest on my leg wasn’t okay… you seemed to realize you were doing it after I kicked you.

someone told me he was getting fat… he’s not… but damn she’s as big as a house…

Honey I don’t like you either- so when you give me dirty looks and I smile- don’t assume I’m not thinking about tripping you.

There’s something disturbing about the fact that you wanted a blow job in a bathroom- before getting on a 530 train to see your son for his birthday.

No cab wants to pick up 3 blondes during rush hour- especially if one of them is carrying over a dozen roses the day after valentines day

Seriosuly I could give less of a shit about your daughter and her birthday party… I’ve been hearing about it for two months now… I get it she likes the hulk… and she’s a girl… big deal… the party is now over… please move on.

Seriously… there was something dirty- so instead of cleaning it you go around asking how it got dirty? Just clean it up!

No you see adulthood is when you have a job to have a “night” off from… you aren’t an adult just because you have a kid.

I don’t answer my debt collector calls at work- so you probably shouldn’t either… It’s almost as bad as when you brag about how your kid’s adopted and more beautiful than everyone elses…come on now… show a little bit of couth.

I wish I did more than just think bitch- I wish I had the balls to insist that I get the preferential treatment in my own house.