Bitch, please

I know that you don’t like getting the “regret” responses from people when you have a show… but I don’t like getting invited on 5 different forms of social media… I’m not coming… stop inviting me

I get it. This was a competition and I lost. Do you have to constantly rub it in my face?

I know I should be nice and be happy that you’re newly engaged… But all I can think is how happy I am that you got fat… At least I’m happy?

I think the woman realizes that her child is screaming on the train guys- every single person staring from the other side of the train isn’t going to make it stop- put your headphones back on and ignore it like an unconcerned citizen.

I kicked you… and I said sorry… but I kicked you because you didn’t seem to get that letting your wet jacket rest on my leg wasn’t okay… you seemed to realize you were doing it after I kicked you.

someone told me he was getting fat… he’s not… but damn she’s as big as a house…

Honey I don’t like you either- so when you give me dirty looks and I smile- don’t assume I’m not thinking about tripping you.

There’s something disturbing about the fact that you wanted a blow job in a bathroom- before getting on a 530 train to see your son for his birthday.

No cab wants to pick up 3 blondes during rush hour- especially if one of them is carrying over a dozen roses the day after valentines day

I don’t answer my debt collector calls at work- so you probably shouldn’t either… It’s almost as bad as when you brag about how your kid’s adopted and more beautiful than everyone elses…come on now… show a little bit of couth.

you’re also using up my internet speed so I can’t watch hulu… you suck

I’ve made food that you’ve eaten for over a year- even after you started treating me like shit… yet you can’t even offer me food that you made in my apartment when I’m the one who is going to be cleaning up after it? I probably would have declined… but still

I do everything you ask quicker than it needs to be done- how is it that I’m sitting here, waitng for you to get something done that your boss asked you to do four days ago?

I don’t regret what happened- I’d still be obseesing about it if it hadn’t happened- I do however regret that I wasn’t upfront about how much of a dick you are and now I’m the one who is losing on of my best friends because you used this oppurtunity to make it look like I was the bad guy.

I like writing bitchy work emails… it’s always so fun to work out frustration in creative language.